When I say that I’ve been out of my comfort zone, we’re talking continents have been between me and my safety zone. In the past month, I’ve pushed myself out of the house, focused on my business, and tried to just get my inner self to a better, safer place. One that is stable enough to face a huge hurdle ahead of me.
I’ve also become……peaceful….with a few things. Like my husband. And men in general.
SO let’s break this down: I’ve been pushing to do projects and art with more people that aren’t in my immediate friend circle, and it’s lead me to connecting with people out of state. After a month of meetings, about 10 gallons of expensive coffee, and several anxiety attacks alone in my room after the fact, because holy HELL, socializing is draining, I am happy to report that I feel better than I have in a while, I’m starting to get more on the normal spectrum. I think I’m coming out of my dark place, finally.
My husband had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and when we came home, and I put the toddler down for bed, I mentioned that I wanted to deep clean my office, and the downstairs bathroom (which was a nightmare) and get more organized, for my mental health, so I could think more clearly. About 10 minutes later, I get a TEXT (yes, a text) from him upstairs, saying he’s napping while the toddler naps. At first, I was so furious. I mean, the week before this, I was pulling all-nighters almost every night to ensure my projects were done in time, and he just gamed, and he got cranky with me for sleeping in a couple times the next morning–that’s a complicated, long issue. Ugh. And I guess I just felt like him having a doctors appointment that lasted 20 minutes wasn’t a legit reason to demand a nap.
Well come to find out, his computer is starting to fall apart at the seams. His sound card bailed, one of his video cards stopped work, and the remote desktop that we had going no longer works. It’s bad. Everything is crapping out, and it’s not a cheap setup, so if he wants to fix it, he kind of needs to get his poop in a group and finally find a way to bring in extra income, nah mean? Unfortunately, with no computer to game on, he’s mostly just angry. Surly even. He snaps constantly, complains that his “one thing” is ruined, and I have absolutely no empathy for him. So now, because he can’t game, he’s taken to napping constantly. It’s kind of an escapist mentality, isn’t it? I mean, if he’s burying himself behind games and naps, that means he hates his reality as much as I hate mine. Why can’t we just acknowledge that and fix it?
So I spent that time that he was napping to creating a comprehensive to-do list, and when it came time to talk about our budget, I made a game plan. I asked HIM to explain his wants for our money, and made a suggestion for each thing that he felt we should do to ensure we were stable, had a savings account, had a healthy business fund, and still could have a life. Unfortunately, most of his ideas were very self-driven….not family driven.
I never realized how much money tied back to the more emotionally unstable parts of our relationship. I resent him for not having a steady job in three years, for raking in 20K in student loan debt (that he’s not communicating with the loan company with, AT ALL, but no big deal) and for constantly losing his income at times when we desperately needed that stability. It’d always happen *just* as I got enough to invest back in to my business (finally) and he’d lose his job/flunk out of school/get injured/forget to fill out paperwork. Like, I don’t trust him at all to be able to consistently contribute a healthy income to our family, and that, my friends, is a HUGE deal breaker for me. I used to be HOMELESS. I used to not have FOOD, or a BED. So it’s absolutely imperative that I have stability, safety, and basics. And my husband doesn’t give a crap, it feels like.
After arguing politely about money for about 20 minutes, the conversation predictably started to turn ugly, as we unveiled and dug into deeper, more hurtful issues. He feels like he can’t do anything. At all. He stays home all day and takes care of our toddler, so, in order to compensate, (and this is his logic), he *has* to play video games every night from roughly 8 PM to 3 AM. You know, 5-7 hours of gaming every night. He apparently needs that in order to function. And then he gets upset that I expect him to get up with our toddler in the morning. But I’ve told him several times: Look, you’re not working, you don’t clean the house, you don’t do laundry, you can barely stay awake long enough to take care of our toddler, and you hardly cook anymore. So, I’m really sorry, but maybe if you constantly kept up on everything else, like cleaned, did laundry, cooked, etc., I’d respect that you would need to destress, but you just don’t do enough for me to work my ass off all day, work my ass off into the evening (because self-employment isn’t an 8-5 job, can I get an amen?) and then I go to sleep at a reasonable hour because I need that in order to function the next day…and then get my toddler up in the morning and take care of him while my deadbeat husband sleeps in. HE ISN’T DOING ANYTHING.
I sat through 20 more minutes of him getting mad because felt like he was doing more than I knew (he just can’t do a lot, apparently, because our toddler apparently stops him from even being able to fill the dishwasher, which makes ZERO sense, since I do it all the time) so that’s his justification for not being able to let our dogs outside, for not doing laundry, for not cleaning the house, nothing. It’s killing me. I don’t see those as valid reasons or excuses, and I’m frustrated because I don’t think he’s being fair with me, at all.
Suffice to say, it ended with me basically begging and pleading with him to not be a tool when we divorce, and to think about what’s best for our happiness, and for our toddler. This just isn’t working, you know? He needs to let me go. And I can’t let go until I know he isn’t going to try to hurt me legally and try to take my baby. So it’s a dilemma.
Otherwise, I’m alright. I’m focusing on my art, finding strength in relationships outside of my marriage, and spending time outside of the home in order to get a sanity break. It’s pretty often right now. I tried to take ONE day off, and fought with him the entire day, and he was snarky, and wanted me to clean the house on my day off, and do laundry, and basically everything he should be doing since he ISN’T WORKING.
Can I emphasize to him or anyone else any further that this man literally has almost NO responsibility beyond driving a car and ensuring our toddler doesn’t hurt himself? He isn’t exactly helping our toddler learn, nor is he willing to accept that we’re going in different directions, nah mean?
*sigh* So, rough recap: I’m doing better, this marriage isn’t really working, there’s moments where if I squint at it with my eyes mostly closed and just kind of look at it from afar, my marriage has potential. But once I start scrutinizing and looking at everything that happens and remembering fights and frustrations, I’m convinced we’re not working out well, and it needs to end.